“It’s not me, it’s the others! “The mirror effect

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Solving problems on my own

We are forced to grow up. We have created an ever-changing society of humans, on a planet that has been constantly evolving for millions of years. Over time, humans grow older, and often try to age less quickly. The effects of time, ultimately resulting in death, are still one of humanity’s greatest fears (even at the height of our 21st century evolution). 

But somewhere deep inside of us, there still may be this desire to remain a child, and, if we could, go back in time to our baby life, where the least of our worries could be resolved by almighty external power, mom and dad.

But time goes by, mom and dad are getting older, our problems are solved less and less quickly and require more and more actions from us to solve. It is frustrating to watch our problems stack up with no one to help us make them go away. This frustration pushes us little by little towards 2 possibilities. 

1. Find the solution by myself risking of it being difficult. 

2. Stay in my frustration until the solution is brought to me by an almighty power. 

In case 1, I grow up. This posture is more of a responsible adult than a small child. I will be forced to develop my mental, physical, emotional skills in order to change the reality that is presented to me. I am rooted in solving my problem in the present, but I am looking to the future. Emotions are felt and then give way to action. 

In case 2, I wait. I go back to my early childhood, and accumulate frustration because of my unability to find my savior. 

The emotions are tumultuous and anger can quickly take us over. It will then be extremely tempting for our little childish ego to accuse, to blame someone else for my internal frustration. To use my fear of facing as a motor to find an external culprit no matter what. After all, since I’m just a weak, helpless, innocent little kid, the other has to be the bad guy, right?


This temptation to pinpoint a culprit will only bring temporary satisfaction since the initial problem is still there. We will then try to find another culprit, etc. 

Our reality is built around experiences that are offered to us to make us grow. We have no other choice. I don’t go overcome my problem by finding a culprit on the outside, but by evolving inside, using the problem as a springboard to help me evolve. The only possible exit is towards the inside. 

Thus, I realize what the issue has prompted me to do. The problem becomes a force of proposition and I no longer need any external power since I find it inside of me. 

In this way we can use this principle of the mirror effect to help us evolve in consciousness, to change our posture in the face of everyday proposals (and no longer “problems”). What annoys me and what pleases me around me are proposals that make sense with our present. 

The first temptation of “what a jerk this guy is !” past, we will be able to analyze this mechanism on a daily basis and turn it into real gymnastics. We will be able to perceive more and more subtle and symbolic mirrors. 

What annoys me about the other is a proposal for evolution in me, a mirror that reflects what my little child’s ego does not want to evolve. What I like about other people is also within me, and reflects a direction I can consciously take. So why are you getting angry? We are not that different! 😉

Example in session

(names changed to preserve anonymity) 

Jean, who, after health concerns which are improving today, continues to be “cocooned” by his wife (in his words), to the point of gradually losing his passions and his desires since “everything is managed by his wife ”(meals, illness, doctors, outings, shopping, etc.). The situation “suits him”.

Later while discussing, Jean tells me that his grandson, who had health problems at birth, is today “too much brooded by his parents, he cannot make his own mistakes, experiences, without having his mother who cocoons him for everything ”. 

Upon pronouncing this word, Jean becomes aware of the mirror that represents the situation of his grandson, and how he reproduces it in his life. The mechanism that annoys him on the outside (cocooning)

He can become aware of and thank this event which previously annoyed him. There is a good chance that it will also improve the relationship quality with the grandson and his parents. 


Watch a movie with your friend. At the end of the movie ask yourself what scene did you love most ? Then what scene you hated most ? What is the scene that struck you the most? Which detail, which situation, which dialogue, which expression has marked you the most? Then compare with your partner.

The answers are often different because the mirrors are different. What our attention is going to be drawn to is what is going on within us, and we are going to come across mirrors that make sense of what needs to be dealt with within us. 

Then try this same gymnastics in the problems you encounter on a daily basis, try to dig into the proposition behind the problem to see what life asks you to evolve towards. Your place of life, work, is also an excellent mirror! Is it shabby, dirty and messy, or fresh, tidy, alive? It’s up to you to watch!